Great Papa's Last Wishes: Part V
I liked the Grey's Anatomy last night. The episode "It Only Gets Much Worse" operates according to the law that if it ain't broke, we don't fix it. I add my own conjunction -- and if it is broke, we all fix it.
I think my Dad died this with this in mind. In my last conversations with him, I could see he was coming to terms with the fact that he decided to let go but no one was letting. I asked him a chaplainy question like, "what's the hardest part, Dad?"
"...that no one is listening to me," he blurted out sharply.
He declined the opportunity to try to fix something about himself. He didn't feel broke, he felt done. He was 92 years old (almost 93), had lived a full life, and would not be anyone's burden. No.
It took a little while for us to hear this. It took us longer to understand this.
We can all relate to how hard it is to get back up again after a fall, in more ways than one. Just the amount of energy we anticipate needing keeps us in the bed. It's hard work. It takes will, not power.
We're not really taught how to have the will to face what we must, whether it's a physical struggle, an emotional assault, spiritual crisis, or the end of the world. We end up being consumed only by power -- either by being denied agency or having an addiction for it. Without will we are disabled in any ability to do the one thing that might save us o that we can then help another. That's kinda what we're supposed to be doing. We'd like to think that if we are just supportive enough or are supported enough, then someone's will can be jumpstarted. Maybe. It hasn't happened for me that way. We aren't supposed to beg the dying to give us yet one more piece of them to make it less sad. It doesn't help and prolongs the suffering. I know. I witnessed it.
I'm grieving and it's an honorable process to be in. I am being a student of feeling loss without blame (even when there are actions of cause) collecting blessings, and insight. Sometimes final moments are sacred and lucid. Some passings are unaware. There are killings that happen long before death.
If anything can go wrong, it will. Assuming this might be true, let's prepare for that.
Great Papa's time came and then his final moment. He put his will into dying. Death was his last wish.
Leave a Reply.